A Writer's Life

Well.

I'm sitting here at home this morning, drinking coffee and thinking about my weekend in California.  I am thinking of how I could feel the ocean in the air when I was in downtown SF.  I am closing my eyes and recalling how beautiful it was to see the ocean waves rolling in to the shore and breaking on the rocks, all filtered through the prettiest pink-orange sunset I've ever seen.  I am recalling my daughter's rosy cheeks as she raced down to the edge of the beach with my brother and how they screamed and ran back up towards us when the waves hit the shoreline. 

In the past, when I've gone on vacation, I've arrived well and gone home sick.  I have always thought that I got sick as soon as I relaxed and that if I could only keep my stress levels really high, I'd not get sick.   This trip was the opposite.  I wasn't feeling well when we left.  I had a massive headache on Thursday.  Much of Friday, I could hear nothing out of one ear because it was all swollen and gushy.  But on Friday night, things started to turn around for me, and on Saturday morning, when I woke up on the mattress in Ryen's livingroom and watched the sunrise while everyone else was still sleeping, I suddenly felt better than I had in weeks.

I don't know what it is that healed me.  I don't know if it was all the laughing with my family or the complete lack of stress or the way I could feel the ocean in the air or not having to be the grown up for three days or being completely surrounded by inspiration and good people or all the made from scratch food (with only a few Doritos and a few mochas thrown in for good effect.) But something happened to me in San Francisco and I'm not entirely sure what it was.  I just hope it doesn't wear off too soon.

Love, Rachel

California-inspired

Yesterday was another inspiring day in California for me.  The day started off in such a fabulous way and then it just kept getting better.  We drove to Sacramento to hear my brother Bud perform.  While he was doing the sound check, the rest of us wandered around the mall, drinking coffee and trying on clothes.  Jaeme helped Shilpa find some great earrings, Ryen offered me some fashion advice (even after he got kicked out of the dressing room area at Forever 21,) and Jaeme reminded us all, after we got lost on our way to the parking garage, that we were still having fun.

We went to hear Bud's group warm up, and they sang one of my favorite songs. :)  It was awesome.  Then we went down to the Christmas tree lighting ceremony where his group was singing on stage.  Bud got permission for us to stand right in front of the huge Christmas tree and right behind the stage so that we could see everything.  His group was so great, and I was so inspired by Bud's energy levels on stage.  His passion for putting on a great show that the audience would love inspired me to want to be the kind of writer who'd invoke similiar reactions in others.  I was so proud of him, and it was so great to be caught up in all of it, and dancing around behind the stage with my daughter and my family.

The mayor came out and there was a huge countdown and they brought out Santa (and even Jaeme,who doesn't believe, was all excited and jumping up and down because Bud took her over to give Santa a high five.)  And then the mayor lit up the Christmas tree and fireworks started exploding over the top of the mall.  Every second of it was magical, and I just kept trying to impress all of it in my memory so that I wouldn't forget.

Later, we stopped and had desert at an "alternative diner" and on the way home, we laughed so hard that my ribs actually hurt.  Back at Ryen's incredible apartment,  Jaeme and I fell asleep watching Mean Girls and eating the chips that Ryen went and got for us when Jaeme said she wanted something salty.

This morning, I have an appointment to get my hair cut at a downtown SF salon (can't wait) and then we are going to Sephora so that I can get California make-up, too.  Some shopping, some more time with my family, and then we arrive back in Utah at midnight, where C. will be waiting at the airport to take us back home.

I couldn't be more thankful for this incredible weekend.

Love,

Rachel

I won!

I am verified and everything.  After stalling out last night, I just needed a mocha and a hot shower to get restarted this morning.  While walking through downtown San Francisco, I got my final ideas for my last two characters.  Those last 2000 words were fast and furious, and I couldn't wait to get word verified.  It's official.

Now it's a matter of starting the editing process. :)  This is actually a novel that I want to publish.

Rachel

48000

So close, I can taste it. 

Here I am on Thanksgiving, writing while my daughter and brother play Wii.

Writing from SF

We're here.  We arrived last night, and I did a little bit of writing. I'm adding to the word count today, as my sister-in-law and daughter play the Wii and as my brothers cook in the kitchen behind me.  I couldn't be happier sitting here and looking outside and feeling the breeze through the open windows and being surrounded by my insanely talented and creative family.  All I have to do is listen to them talk, and I feel inspired.

Until I'm with my brothers, I forget how much alike we can be.  My brother Bud and I both started new jobs in the past year, and our experiences are so similiar that it's crazy.  My brother Ryen and I say things in the exact same inflections at the exact same time.  We see each other so seldom that I think it's funny when our lives run parallel or when our thoughts all jump on the same crazy track.

It's amazing being here, and I'm thankful for it.  Everyone here is so thoughtful, bright, funny and kind.  Nate made macaroni and cheese for Jaeme last night and helped me get the computer synched up to the wireless.  Ryen bought Jaeme a whole bunch of craft supplies so she'd have something to do when all the grown-ups are talking, and when she wanted to draw a picture of a bird (picture was hanging up on the wall), he took a picture off the wall and let her sketch it.  Shilpa made two kinds of homemade breakfast pastries for us and is playing Star Wars legos with Jaeme.  Mayank called to find out if Jaeme's allergic to anything before he brings food over.  I could go on and on about how lucky I am to be part of such an incredible family.

Love,  Rachel

46059/50000

44658

I am at 44658 tonight.  I was going to go to bed about 52 minutes ago, but then I had a conversation with C.  I asked him if he thought I should keep going, and he said, "Go for it, I will keep you company."  How can you not love someone who'll stay up with you in the middle of a crazy novel writing contest?  If this was a stupid diamond commercial instead of a blog entry, I'd yell, "I love this man," and it would echo all around Typepad.

Tonight I wrote about "the one who knew who she was," and I also wrote the epilogue for the "one who would only wear pink." 

I am to the point of total exhaustion.  I don't know if I will hit 45k until tomorrow.  Stay tuned...

Love,

Rachel

In the Forties

Well, the novel writing is coming right along.  I am at 43630 today, and I had a couple of great characters surprise me with some interesting stories.  We had the girl who had a map of the mall (she's shopping.  For something.  Or is it for someone?) and the girl who would only wear pink (she's much smarter than you'd think.  Pink's not just fashionable for her; it's a means to an end.)

I must pause for a moment and say thank you to everyone in my life.  Even though you're not personally appearing in my novel, you often inspire me with ideas for characters.  Sometimes, for example, I'll just remember a dialogue I had with you, maybe almost four years ago, and suddenly, two or three words from that dialogue will turn into the basis of a new story section.

Sometimes I wonder about my memory versus my imagination and where they insert at midpoint.

Anyway, C. is on his way over; we're on our way for coffee. 

Love,

Rachel

Snippet

Here's another snippet from my story.  Standard disclaimers apply: written in first person, but not about me, unedited text and therefore imperfect, not about anyone from my real life, just a character from my imagination, blah, blah, blah.

the one who backspaced

I keep typing apologies to him,

on my cell phone, but the sad thing

is that I don't know if I need to apologize or not.

I keep typing this:

I am so sorry that I was so distant tonight

but then I think,

but was I?

Or was it justified?

After he kind of blew me off for lunch

the other day, under the pretense that

he had to wait for something to be fixed

and that he'd gotten the infamous 10-12 window.

I type the words

and then I backspace,

and then I put my phone down

so that I can think about it some more.

Am I reaching out too far?

Do I need to pull back?

I can't figure out what the right thing is to do,

because it hurts to not say it,

but it also hurts to say it and not have him

understand how hard it is,

if that makes any sense at all,

which I'm sure it probably doesn't,

which is why I'm typing this

nonsense, trying to sort it all out in my mind.

I'm watching the minutes click down on my clock,

and I was hoping that I'd hear from him first,

but he told me, he might be too busy,

and I guess those are some of the words

that I just mostly hate to hear from a man who I'm dating

because there's nothing really special feeling

about a man telling you

how much he loves you one minute

but turning around and telling you that he's too busy to see you the next,

it's even harder when I stop and think about his life,

and I know he's working extra hours,

and I admire the time he's spending with his children

whom I have yet to meet,

but it makes it hard when I don't know

the real reason

why he's so busy,

and I'm debating all of this in my mind,

as I type the message

over and over again,

and put my phone down,

and pick it up and type the message again:

"i'm so sorry I was so distant tonight."

It's pretty sad, actually, I think

and I feel tear drops prick at the corner

of my eyes,

that I have so many unknowns

at this moment, we should be further along

than this,

this unknown zone,

where I'm feeling like I'm drifting and lost and alone

(the alone zone?)

where I don't know how he really feels,

where I don't know if I should feel hurt

or accepting of our miniscule time together,

I am trying to think of what the loving thing is to do,

but sometimes, I just really don't know.

I think I've read too many dating books,

to really be honest,

but I pick up my phone again,

and I type that message,

and I get ready to press send,

my finger hovers over the green button,

and then I take a breathe and I do it,

and now I know it's a matter of waiting, waiting, waiting

every minute that I don't hear back from him will feel like

an hour has passed between us,

a blank space, a roadblock, a divider,

I've offered up the apology,

that may or may not have needed to be sent,

and how it's up to him to accept it.

Minute 1, another minute just flashed by on my clock,

Minute 2, it's getting later now,

Minute 3, he might not have received it,

Minute 4, his cell phone might not be working again,

Minute 5, he could have fallen asleep on the couch,

Minute 6, he could be busy with work,

Minute 7, he could be..........

Novel dreams.

In this year's writing contest, I've had a couple of nights where I've had dreams about scenes for my novel.  That's always a nice surprise, to wake up in the morning and know exactly what I'll be writing up next.  Since this novel is experimental fiction, without a traditional plot, it's open to this sort of thing because although everyone is connected to The One, their lives are all different (even when they're the same.  Yes, I know, that's a very Rachel thing to say.)

I was novel dreaming last night, too.  But last night, it wasn't a scene.  Last night, I had a dream that one of my designers from work created a cover and typeset the book for me.  And then I had it published, and I held it in my hands, and it was glossy and colorful and beautiful.  And my name wasn't just stuck on the masthead, it was right there on the front cover.  I wasn't sure at that point what was a dream and what was real, but I was pretty happy as I flipped through those pages and told my mom that she could buy my book on amazon.

This novel isn't just words. It's also going to have pictures and writing in other forms.  Some of the illustrations will be a police report, an advertisement, a dating profile, a business card, a blog entry, a handwritten note and more.  Other spreads will be text only--but the text will be presented in experimental ways: text messages, instant messages, overheard conversations, song lyrics, poetry, a newspaper artile, a consumer report on rings and so forth.   I would like to add a couple of video links to youtube as well (I'd need to publish the book in both an electronic form to do that as well.  I have one character who wrote a commercial based on something that happens in his story, and I'd really like to be able to link through to his commercial.)

Most of the book is written in first person.  I don't know that I've captured enough voices, but at least all of the stories are unique.  Oh, and the draft is a complete mess because sometimes I'll be writing and I'll think of something that I MUST add to a character's story, but I don't want to scroll back through all my pages.  So, I'll just type a note to myself and write it, right there, in the middle of everything, and then I'll add it in. 

So, those are my novel dreams and my dreams about my novel.  I managed to add a few words last night, but then I started overthinking the writing process and I stalled myself.   I know I'll make my weekend goal of 37500, though, and next Sunday, or sometime next week, in San Francisco, I'll hit the 50.

Love,

Rachel

36500/50000

Pause.

I am following my chart.  One day of crazy word-count-adding means two days with not much text.  It's too bad that it's been a text free day, being Saturday and all, but that's just where the writing is at, and I am honoring it.  I had a couple of ideas last night before C. and I went out for Indian food, and I had a couple of ideas before I took the girls to the movies tonight.  But they were just fleeting thoughts, and I haven't committed any of them to document yet.

I am not worried about the word count.  I know they'll be there at the right time.  Plus, I'm in San Francisco next week, and I'm sure that I'll be constantly inspired when I'm there.  It will do my writing some good to get into a new environment.

Love,

Rachel